I didn't even connect the fact that I followed him to a particular article until it stood out glaringly.
I then received a msg from him asking for his input. Now this person could have ignored me or spouted some foul mouthed obsenities...and perhaps he did, but in the end, he asked for my input. I thought it pretty big of him. He follows me on Twirrer so, clearly he has some interest in what I've said in the past. And I follow him, so I've had an obvious interest in what he has to say as well. It's an unspoken and anonymous relationship of trust it seemed.
Something really great came of it...at least for me. Thus, the title of this blog entry.
Here is how I responded to his inquiry. Everything he wrote in his article is bolded so that you may follow along. Everything else is my message to him. Incidentally, I've not received any word abck from him and I don't expect to. But, hopefully you can see what evolved:
EMAIL STARTS HERE:
I've read your stuff before. I follow you on Twitter but this article was really disappointing. Youthful writing. Too youthful. I don't know how old you are but based on this, I would guess early 20's?
You're a reporter. You want people to believe what you write, then write it with strength. And if you aren't a foodie or consider yourself a bit of a culinary amateur (as indicative of your mention of your dinging companion), then ADMIT it and use the expertise of those around you-like the service staff. Bringing along a friend (and naming her is a fast way to get yourself ignored, especially if food writing is something you hope to do in the future (I heard Janice retired-thank god!). You totally destroy your credibility by using qualifiers like:
"something like"
"apparently" when referring to how the fries are cooked.
"just OK" to describe a dish lacking any what? flavor? seasoning? not to your personal liking?
Sentences are truncated where they can be condensed and qualified. It's a great lesson one of my Buff State professors taught me when I was there (way too long ago). And if all else fails, go matriculate a course by Janet Kaye. She will help you improve your writing in ONE semester!!! She's incredible, tough and asks a lot of her students. And she is the reason I love writing today. (think of each paragraph like Twitter. how can I get the most value out of every word, space and character!)
I know this is just my take but read it and see how you can make every word worth something:
First things first: Bury the lead! You already put it in the headline so tease it a little! I know this goes against every journalistic rule we've ever been taught, but do it anyway! Food writing allows for this. I wouldn't recommend it for news writing!
ARTICLE STARTS HERE:
There’s been a buzz surrounding the 31 Club since it opened. Friends spoke of celebrity sightings at the swanky downtown restaurant, TV personalities and athletes and the like. It had a reputation of a place where people went dressed to the nines to eat good food and to see and be seen.
Calling people celebrities in this town is a term to be used loosely. "Local personalities" is probably a better descriptor.
The 31 Club is in a building with a long history, recently fixed up, at North Johnson Park and Elmwood Avenue. It’s on an island of sorts near Hutch Tech and the new Avant building. The parking lot was filled with luxury cars, a clue to the kind of crowd we’d find inside.
Tell people about the history of the 31 Club. Give them some more than just a curiosity. This was posted online so why not put a link to the 31club's history page to satiate people's curiosity if you're going to tease it in the first place. Regarding your comment on "luxury cars". You can scare away potential diners and probably piss off the staff with a comment like this. For the diner who can't afford eating there regularly, you've already scared them away from even thinking about it as an option, it's a great "date or special occasion place". Besides, it may be a little on the pricier side, but it's a hell of a lot better place to eat than Black and Blue or Buffalo Chop House and the prices are comparable...with a more diverse menu for people's palates.
The interior aimed for sophistication and elegance. There was a lot of dark wood in the bar area, set off by soft lights. The bar top was marble with a speckled pattern, and the bar seats were pale red leather.
Think about rewriting this sentence. You get to be more colorful with this kind of writing. Enjoy it!: "Deeply stained wood, soft lighting, plush surfaces, and rich red leather provide an elegant and sophisticated welcome." Also, the bar is granite. If you aren't sure of a surface, ASK!
We heard lots of Sinatra and other classic crooners—songs to drink martinis by.
Never end a sentice with "by".
The bar was modestly crowded when we grabbed two chairs and took a look at the wine and cocktail menus. The bartender took awhile to come back to us. My friend Lauren thought there was at least one decent wine by the glass per type. She ordered a fruity Shiraz at $10 for the glass.
"Two stools in the modestly crowded bar served as our base, to review the wine and beverage list. Though service was delayed, my dining companion commented on the diversity of the wines listed by the glass." Shiraz by definition is not typically described as "fruity". Tread lightly with regard to writing about wine unless you really start to study it. It can offend foodies and winos and insult, as well as detract from your credibility. Also "She ordered the $10 Shiraz." is sufficient. People who drink wine will know this is the "by the glass price. And wine lists only generally offer one varietal by the glass. Unless you are in a wine bar. And don't EVER use your dining companion's name ever again. If she knows anyone in the service industry, it can get you blackballed as a food writer ever again.
There was a star on the wine glasses to indicate how much the bartenders should pour, one explained to us.
It is an industry standard to pour 6 ounces of wine for a "glass". The markers on the glass are for staff use and inconsequential to a diner. I suspect you asked the staff what the marking on the glass was for. A smart service industry worked would have shared that information with you. It's a great opportunity to gently inform a diner, give them knowledge and teh confidence the next time they may feel weary of a place that may appear intimidating. Again, this detracts from your credibility and knowledge as an expert. Even if you aren't...sometimes you gotta fake it. People want credibililty from their journalists.
There were about a dozen cocktails on the martini list, including a pama-tini, a tropical storm and something called sparkling berries, all $9.50. I went for a “31” martini, with Bombay Sapphire gin and a blue-cheese stuffed olive, which was well made.
"An extensive martini list included a Pama-tini (I'm guessing this was the ever popular trend of using pomegranate in drinks lately!), a Tropical Storm, Sparkling Berries and a host of other diverse drinks many traditionalists would be remiss to call "martinis". I opted for a very traditional Gin Martini with bleu cheese stuffed olives, affectionately named the "31"." They didn't make this drink up. They just chosen it as their adoptive signature drink...likely an homage to the traditional.
Everyone was drinking cocktails, or mixed drinks, except one guy drinking beer who looked out of place.
No one cares about the out of place guy. There's always one in these places. Again, unimportant to the story you want to weave for food writing. Something more casual like, "Cocktails (which incidentally ARE mixed drinks) and martinis appeared to be the general preference for this crowd." is more appropriate and respectful to the guests. And ALWAYS use descriptors like guests or diners. "guy", "lady", "grey hair": Always a bad idea to use.
We took a look at the menu and I ordered the duck fries on Lauren’s recommendation. They’re apparently cooked in duck fat, dusted with black truffle salt and served with grilled onion ketchup. They were served in a paper cone, for $7, and were really good.
"Fries cooked in duck fast, dusted with black truffle salt, and the accompanying grilled onion catsup arrived in a quirky paper cone." They were "really good"? How? Were they rich, salty, nicely balanced flavors of acidic catcup and the fat base of the frying oil? How were they "good"?
The beef carpaccio, served with a poached egg, was $12 and just OK.On an earlier, unofficial visit, I tried the cheese plate with fig jam and that was great.
"Just ok"? What was it lacking? Flavor, seasoning, balance? Was the beef not high enough grade for carpaccio? Is this a new dish to your palate? Did it come with cornichons or ground mustard or any other acid? If not, I can see why it was just OK. But you NEED to say why it was just OK! It probaby lacked an acid. Food is all about chemistry. We dont' even realize it until we put that chocolate covered pretzel in our mouth and realize the flavors of salty and sweet together awaken our palates to a higher level of enjoyment. That's why that pretzel tastes so unbeleivable! If the cheese plate was that great, find out what was on it. I can guess it was a firm cheese, a softer one, and a more pungent cheese trio. I've never had it but if I know anything about the chef, and I know he's a CIA grad, then I know he knows how to put a great cheese plate together. Elaborate on the great stuff. Awaken people's palates wtih your words. Writing about food is almost as improtant as serving it. Think about what the first thing a woman does after she gives birth. She feeds her child. It is the most nurturing, bonding, and often times in adulthood, the SEXiest thing you can do. Why do you think a great date usually ends at breakfast! :)
As we ate our appetizers, we watched the wait staff coming and going through the bar area to get to the kitchen.
Why is this important? Does it incite a curiosity about what's passing you by on the plates? Was it an inconviencence to you to have so much foot traffic passing? Is this a cautionary warning? Which is it? You don't have to be objective in this forum. Tell people how it made you feel. They will identify and either decide they want to be a part of that energy or they will decide that they know to avoid that particualr seating situation. Either way, you've given them information that can be helpful.
The bar crowd was mostly older white males, 60-plus, with a few middle-aged couples as well. We were the youngest people by far when we arrived, except for a large and talkative table of what appeared to be a business group.
"older white males, 60-plus" How about "mature professionals". I may sound like an asshole here, but we all know that 50% of black males are unemployed in the City of Buffalo ( this is a whole different problem which I could dedicate an entire blog to), but the implication of mature professionals already indicates that they are white (sadly).
Except for one guy who was a dead ringer for Sabres President Larry Quinn, everyone was dressed up in suits or sport jackets and dresses or skirts.
It probably was Larry, but most people don't care or would be interested in knocking the guy out so why bother help creating a hostile envorment at a well dressed place. Which leades me to my next criticism: "well dressed" covers the gamut of what you've tried to describe.
The bar got dead around 7 p. m. or so, then the crowd picked up again by 8 and it got a bit younger. Lauren ran into a former student of hers, and they started talking shop.
"got dead"? REALLY? If you DON'T want people to go here, use that phrase again. If you want to piss off the staff use that phrase again. How about something more friendly: "After a brief clearing of the earlier dinner crowd, a slightly younger clientele replenished the dining and bar area." = Polite way of saying the blue hairs dispersed to make way for the younger hipster crowd.
I couldn’t finish my fries, so I asked them to pack them to go. Someone in the kitchen threw them out, so the bartender had them make up a new half order.
You went back to the fries here? Why not include this with part of your food and service assessment earlier in the article? What's more important here is that the service staff was attentive and thoughtful enough to have the kitchen correct the mistake. Give them more credit for this rather than mention it as an after thought.
As we settled our bill, Lauren’s student and her boyfriend said they wanted to grab our now-valuable spot of bar real estate when we got up to go.
"As the hipster crowd thickened, our valuable real estate at the bar increased." Include this with the bit about the changing clientele at the dinner change over. It's really an extension of that thought. Again, no one cares who your dining companion is or her name or the fact that her student and her boyfriend wanted your spot.
The bar was crowded with well-dressed people, holding glasses filled with tinkling ice and good booze. It was a moment that showed the 31 Club at its best, but it took too long to get there.
"good booze"? how aboutu "top shelf" or sophisticated or marture drinks. This isn't your $5, all you can drink kind of place.
I’ll be back, but now I know to come later in the evening or to wait for the weekend.
ARTICLE ENDS HERE WITH MY COMMENTS INTERSPERSED.
So you've implied throughout your article that you've have a good enough time to want to come back. And you've also indicated that you're part of the younger hipster crowd-since you took enough time to delineate the clientele change at a certain point in the evening. I don't know how old you are but I can guess from the article. I can tell you aren't all that expereienced with some more sophisiticated dining items, but you were willing to try! Use your resources. Check your resources if you aren't sure! Build your credibility. Speak with conviction. Have someone who knows things you don't read it before you publish it. It can only help you build yourself and improve yourself as a writer and "expert" in many areas. It doesn't really matter that you aren't, but you WANT your readers to believe that you are. Avoid the unsure qualifiers.
My hope is that you've truly found this helpful. It was actually very helpful to me also. It makes me think about my writing and how I can improve it as well. Thanks for asking for my input. I'm sure it was too much but maybe some of it will help. I know that whenever people have really broken down my writing, after I sweep up my brusied ego, (THANK YOU SO MUCH JANET KAYE!) it's only made me a better writer!
Newspapers are a dying breed. We all know that :-( I want to you succeed. And becoming a better writer, people will find you! You're lucky. You actually get paid to write. I just spout off whenever I want to and can. I admire you and your fortune. Good luck!
I guess I should tell you a little about myself. Might help my credibility a little too. I graduated from Buff State in 2000 with a journalism degree wtih a focus on broadcast production. Moved the PHX where I was a sports writer for a 10K circulation paper called the Desert Advocate for a short time, while waiting tables on and off for 10 years. Ended my culinary career working with a James Beard award winning chef where I learned more about food in the last two years than the previous 8 in the restaurant business. Then moved to LA for the last two years. Worked as a corp trainer and publisher of techncal IT training books but continue to write for fun. Now back in my hometown since January. Selling appellate publishing to attorneys and studying for the LSAT. And most importantly...my last great dinner date ended with breakfast! :)
Best,
Melania Kosanovich
EMAIL ENDS HERE
CAn you tell what I've learned?!
Happy writing fellow writers!
